I am Anne and I have anxiety. I have been "dealing" for 10 years, and I have 5 family members who "deal" as well. The closest to me is my daughter Rachel. She has been "dealing" since she was 7. She is now 10 1/2. I decided to try a new form of medication for myself. It is to write my feelings down in a blog. A blog that can be shared with people I know, and don't know, who "deal" with the same things I do. WOW! It is so strange to think about this being read, or maybe not read by family and friends. Most of you know about my anxiety, but a lot of you may not. I call my anxiety "fear-based anxiety", meaning that I get anxiety from my fears...and none of the fears are real. What does that mean? That I fear things that have not ever happened, or that are not happening. I have a main fear I call... the "knife-weilding man". I have a nightly fear, that as soon as the lights go out, the "knife-weilding man" is in my house and he is going to hurt me or my family. I know, it sounds COO-COO huh! But this is my life. I have other fears as well, like when my husband Paul is late home, that he is hurt...that doesn't sound that strange to some of you, but it becomes an obsession to me. I start imaging the cop at the door to tell me he is dead. Then I start planning his funeral. How will I act? What will I say? It doesn't stop until he is home. It sucks.
My daughter has a hard time "dealing" with change...well, don't we all? To a degree. Rachel is like most kids, when you tell them to put something away and get ready for bed they whine, right? Right, well Rachel whines, then it turns into, crying, then she might, start to lash out at us, with words, and then she might run of and avoid the situation. The biggest difference between Rachel and other kids....you can't talk Rachel off the ledge. Meaning, most kids you can talk to them and help them understand why they have to do something. Rachel just gets more and more agitated...more and more uncontrolable. She can't understand
I have used the word "deal", in place of cope, struggle, suffer, etc. I use deal, because that is what I do, I deal with it. It is how I live with it.
ReplyDeleteI read your post and chuckled at the irony. I think it's interesting that our husbands work together and who knew we had so much in common. I too have struggled with anxiety for many years. Jarom and I have an understanding, he knows that if he isn't going to walk in the door by 6:00 he had better call me. Not because I'm keeping tabs, but for the exact same reason... I'll turn on the news and see if there were any accidents (especially if I call and he doesn't pick up his phone, which happens often because he can't hear it over the radio) how am I going to tell the kids, and just like you, create scenarios about how I am going to cope without him! It's especially bad at end of the quarter when he leaves so late. And I find it very difficult to leave my kids unless I'm 15 minutes away or less. I'm sure something is going to happen to me or them while I'm away. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone out there, I too wish the feelings weren't so real, but they are, and sometimes it's very hard to admit you have them. I'm glad that Rachel can look to you for understanding as she gets older and understands more what she is dealing with. It's impossible to understand unless you've lived it! Ok, I'm finished with my book. :) I'm impressed that you have started this blog, and I hope you don't mind if I check back often!
ReplyDeleteAndrea
Hi, i stumbled upon your blog. I too suffer from the EXACT same sort of anxiety. My daily to-do's are filled with "what ifs" and wondering if i can be prepared for the worst. my mind is constantly racing and being controlled by my irrational fears. I was given medication by my doctor, but i dont want to take it. i dont believe that is the cure. i try to talk my self down but it is really difficult to live with this anxiety.
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